How we handle a conflict when it begins can create the pathway to its successful resolution.
Setting Up A Collaborative Environment
When another person initiates a conflict with us it is one of the most painful experiences we can have. But it is possible to take conflict and keep it from blowing up on us by turning it into a problem-solving discussion. But how do we keep from getting defensive and keep the communication going so that we can get to the problem-solving part of it.
Setting Up A Collaborative Environment
When another person initiates a conflict with us it is one of the most painful experiences we can have. But it is possible to take conflict and keep it from blowing up on us by turning it into a problem-solving discussion. But how do we keep from getting defensive and keep the communication going so that we can get to the problem-solving part of it.
It is helpful in these situations to remember that the other person is the one with the conflict and we may or may not be the cause of their conflict. We must show our genuine interest and concern to really want to resolve the conflict collaboratively. We must show that we take what they are saying to be important to them and we really do want to hear what they have to say.
How To Handle the Conflict
Sources:
Adler, R.B. Confidence in Communication: A Guide To Assertive and Social Skills, New York: Holt, Rinehart, & Winston, 1977.
Gordon, T. The Basic Modules of the Instructor Outline For Effectiveness Training Courses, Pasadena, Calif: Effectiveness Training Associates, 1971.
How To Handle the Conflict
- Put up a filter. When the conflict is initiated: (1) count to ten; (2) inhale slowly with a deep breath; and (3) put up a filter so that we can actively listen to hear what they are saying.
- Respond with respect and empathy. We may not agree with their complaint, but in order for them to listen to what we have to say, we are going to have to show genuine interest and listen attentively to what they want to share with us. While they are venting we are going to listen. To begin to move the discussion to problem-solving start by saying, "I can see you are angry. Can we talk about this?
- Ask them questions to clarify our understanding of the conflict. Asking questions is powerful and gives us data, facts, and information so that we can be sure nothing is missing. We need all of the information about the conflict so that we can have a full picture of what is going on.
- Repeat our understanding of the conflict. To completely grasp our understanding of the conflict we may want to repeat what we have heard so that we know we have understood them correctly.
- Find some aspect of the complaint to agree with. This does not mean agreeing on points that we do not agree with or giving in to the other person. It's possible to agree with a message without accepting all of its implications. We can, no doubt, agree with the person in conflict on their feelings they are experiencing in the situation. We may also be able to agree with them on their perception of the complaint. That does not mean that we need to agree with their conclusions on the conflict. But by being able to find some aspect of the complaint, we establish a base from which problem-solving can begin.
- Ask them for their solutions. Now that we have agreed on what the problem is, we have an opportunity to work together to resolve the conflict. Ask the person in conflict what do they suggest on how to handle the conflict. That takes the defensiveness out of the situation and creates a more trusting and pro-active approach to resolution. Again, it says to them that we are willing to listen to what they have to say and requires them to look at resolving the conflict rather than just complaining about it. Hopefully, we can find some solutions that we can agree upon. If not, perhaps we can create an alternative so0lution from other ideas presented during our discussion.
Sources:
Adler, R.B. Confidence in Communication: A Guide To Assertive and Social Skills, New York: Holt, Rinehart, & Winston, 1977.
Gordon, T. The Basic Modules of the Instructor Outline For Effectiveness Training Courses, Pasadena, Calif: Effectiveness Training Associates, 1971.